Dirty Little Notebook
by vampyRN
Summary: funny fluffy- When Edward stumbles on Bella's VERY personal journal and reads it he can't help but try and figure out who is having these VERY dirty thoughts. Rated M for a reason-- cannon-ooc- AH
1. Chapter 1

Dirty little book

**AN: this is something stuck in my brain, not sure if it will work or not - let me know if I should continue. ** I don't own twilight just borrowing the names and messing around a little****

BPOV

Oh craptastic, crap, crap crap. I mumble to myself as I dump my book bag onto the floor of my room. I know I have my notebook in here some where I had it at lunch. I reach the bottom of my bag and sigh in defeat, AAAAGGGHHH I screech and grab my cell phone.

"Jake, did I leave my notebook in your car?" I bellow be for he even says hello.

"I dunno, why?" he replies lazily.

"Jacob William Black you get up right now and look in your MF'en car or so help me god I will tell everyone at school you kissed Embry Call on the mouth as a dare and liked it!" I shriek at him.

"Sure sure, hang on psycho, I'm going out there. Shit, if it was this flippen important wouldn't you keep it with you?" he huffs. I hold my breath and wait for him to search the car all the while pacing a path in the area rug in my room. "Not here Bells."

"What?!"

"What did it sound like I said, your precious isn't in my car, what the hell is in that thing anyways?" he questions

"I um, nothing thanks for looking Jake. Bye." I say in a sweet voice and promptly hit end on my phone.

I pulled at my hair and let out a long breath before I take the stairs to the main floor hoping to find my notebook. This is silly, I'll find it I coo to myself. It's just sitting on the kitchen table. I turn the corner into the kitchen. Damn. Positive thinking is bullshit. I repeat the same this in every room including the bathroom where I throw the shower curtain to the side, I don't know maybe I was trying surprise my cheeky wayward notebook into magically appearing.

I throw myself back on the couch and huff. My notebook definitely isn't here I think in defeat. I must have left it in my locker. I've never done that before but it is all I have to cling too.

EPOV

"See you later man." I clap Jasper on the back and high five a couple of the other guys from the team as I back away and head toward the parking lot. As I cut through the outdoor seating area where some of the stoners and dorks eat lunch I smile a little. Before I made the football team I was just shy of band geeky enough to be banded from the cafeteria tables myself. I shiver and shake off the thought and.

As I pass the last of the tables I see a green book is sitting on one of the benches. Huh? I walk over and pick it up to inspect it. I flip open the cover and my eyes immediately fall on the word _cock. _What the… I sit on the bench and open the notebook on the table to the first page. Come on you would do it too, it's not everyday a horny teenager with no respect for anyone's privacy come across something like this.

_I step into the grassy meadow and smile as the gentle breeze sways her dark brown locks and the vibrant wildflowers. I take in the soft curves of her naked body. My cock begs my feet to move forward and I slowly approach her from behind. I rest my hand on the milky flesh of her hip and feel her quiver under my touch. Her reaction travels straight to my dick and I feel heat radiate though me. I am desperate for more from her but she stands so still almost like a dream. I run the backs of my fingers down her spine. She turns her head slightly to give me a coy smile over her shoulder before she takes off in a sprint across the field. _ _ I give chase willing to play her little game as she giggles and flits around the field I watch her breasts bounce with her lively steps. I am aroused to the point of frustration as I finally grasp her dainty wrist and turn her to face me. Her eyes are a light with surprise at my expression which I can only imagine was reflecting my primal need for the woodland nymph. I pull her into me covering her mouth with mine in a long deep kiss. It is only when I feel her soft flesh pressed into me that I realize I too am naked. I snake my hand around her waist and pull her down to the ground until I am on top of her lying between her legs. I pin both of her hands above her head with one of my hands while the other massages her perfect round peaks and pebbled nipples. She moans and writhes underneath me. She pants "now, please take me now." Into my ear and I am lost in a sea of lust and desire. I smooth my hand down her stomach and take hold of my throbbing erection and position myself at her hot wet entrance. She moans again and I can't stop myself from thrusting forward engulfing myself in her. She is so tight an wet and as I move in an out I can feel her tremble with each frenzied thrust, she is throwing her head back and arching her back and when the walls of her pussy squeeze my with her release I am done for. I cry out and bury my head in her shoulder as I release inside of her. I lay limp trying to catch my breath resting most of my weight on her, after a moment I raise myself slightly to kiss her but when I raise my head she is gone. I am laying face down in a field completely alone; my hands are tangled in the grass that should have been her long brown hair. I look around and it only confirms I am in fact alone and naked. _

What the fuck? I sat at the bench and read the notebook until the sun fell to low in the sky and then I decided I would take it home and finish reading it. I glanced around to make sure no one else was around and sprinted to my car which wasn't easy since I had a raging hard on.

I sped home and threw my car in park and raced up the front steps. I yelled at my mom that I had homework and bolted up the stairs to my room and slammed and locked the door behind me. I took a closer look at the notebook to see if it would identify the owner but there was nothing, just page after page of penthouse style stories. I sit on my bed with the notebook and a strategically placed a bottle of lotion and a box of Kleenex. I let out a sigh resigning myself for a long night. I don't know who wrote this or why but I think I might be in love.

3

**AN: If you like it and want me to keep going please review**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: OK, I'm game for some fluffy chapters- Keep reviewing!!**

**EPOV**.

I wake up the next morning a little sore from an abundance of self gratification and really disappointed that I only got through two of the stories before I passed out. I roll over and smile to see the notebook lying open on the pillow next to me. What to do with this little treasure. The way I see it is I could keep it and fortify the spank bank for weeks to come or I can try and return it and hope to find out who wrote it because of course the author is a fuck hot seductress.

I pull the notebook to me and turn the page to the third story. I glance at the alarm clock and decide I have just enough time to read some of it before I hit the shower.

'_I shiver as the wind whips my bare legs and up my micro mini skirt and tickles my bare pussy which is hardly covered by my g-string. I hear my own heels click on the pavement as I round the corner heading toward home. It was a slow night at the club, which meant I was sent home early. My slutty friend had found a ride home with one of the customers and I hadn't made enough in tips to afford the cab on my own. A car slows on the street next to me and I hear the whir of an electric window and hear a velvety voice call out to me. "Do you need a ride?" I turn to see a sleek town car with a very handsome man leaning out the back window. I slow my steps and smile and meekly say no thank you and continue walking. This happens from time to time, my uniform leads guys to think I'm a hooker. "Come on, it's dark and not the best neighborhood." A slow crooked grin spreads across his face. I can see a group of men ahead stumbling out of a bar onto the sidewalk as I approach the group the drunken men start cat calling and whistling at me. I decide to take this mystery man up on his offer to avoid this rowdy crowd. He has a driver so it's not like I'll be in the car alone with him. As I approach the car his grin widens and the car stops just before the door flies open. I slip into the car and relax back into the soft leather seat. I give my address which he relays to the driver and we move forward. The mystery man is sitting very close to me taking long slow breaths. Even though we aren't touching I can feel the coldness coming from him. I take him in from the corner of my eye. He is attractive, tall with a lean build and a nice face with a powerful jaw, he is pale with honey colored eyes and messy bronze hair. "So, what brings you out this evening Miss…." He raises his hand and gestures that I should continue. "I was on my way home from work." I state purposefully not answering his obvious attempt at learning my name. "Ah I see, are you going to tell me where you work?" he smiles as I shake my head. "You are mysterious, I like that." He breaths right next to my face and I feel stunned calmness take over my body and I find myself very relaxed. "I want you to listen to me and do as I say. Can you do that for me beautiful?" He questions in a whisper still just inches from my face. His breath is cold and sweet against my skin making me dizzy. I smile and nod. "Good girl." He purrs. "I want you to remove your coat." I obey immediately. "Good, now unbutton your blouse." I comply and he slowly takes in the curve of my breasts and my leopard print bra. I notice his honey eyes have turned black and his breathing has quickened slightly. He shift closer to me and his hand hesitates over my thigh. "May I?" his breath hits my face again and I can only nod my head at him. His cold hand slides up my thigh to my panties and I feel a gentle tug at each on my hips before I see him drag my torn g-string from under my skirt and I gasp. He smiles at me and tucks the panties in his pocket. "I like to watch." He states and gently lifts one of my feet off the floor of the car and places it on the seat and angles my body so my back is pressed into the door. The position of my leg causes my too short skirt to rid up and I feel the cool leather of the seat on my naked ass. He hisses and palms his erection before leaning forward and taking a deep breath. He locks eyes with mine and growls "Unhook your bra." I fumble with the front clasp before it comes undone and falls to the side away from my breasts. "Touch yourself." He moans still rubbing himself through his jeans. I bite my lip nervously and my eyes dart around, the fog in my brain seems to have cleared some as he is no longer in my face. I open my mouth to protest when he leans forward just inches away from my face he breaths "Please touch yourself." I feel myself relax, my eyelids hood and I nod and run my hands over my full breasts and pinch my nipples between my thumb and index finger and moan slightly at the feeling. "More." He whispers before adding " I need you to touch your clit." My head falls back against the window as I comply and slide my hand down my stomach and run two fingers over my slick pussy before parting the lips and rubbing slow circles over my clit. He is panting hard over me and growls again. "Faster." I submit to his demand and as my body begins to tremble with release a sharp pain races up my thigh causing me to cry out. I am consumed with panic as I see his face buried in my inner thigh and smell blood in the air I can feel his mouth sucking my leg earnestly. I try to pull away but his hands are grasping my thighs forcing them open and pushing me securely into the car door. I cry out again before falling into darkness. I find myself alone stumbling up the stairs to my apartment. When I get inside the clock reads just after four in the morning, confused I slightly wonder why it took me four hours to walk six blocks before passing out on the couch to sleepy to make it to my bedroom. I wake the next day sore and tired. I have hand shaped bruises on my thighs and a crescent shaped wound on the inside of my leg near my entrance and no memory of what the hell happened after I accepted that ride home.'_

I hit the shower to clean myself off and get ready for school resolved to keep the notebook at least until I'm done reading it. Because I'm selfish like that. I rush out of my room and on impulse scoop up the notebook and shove it into my book bag. I grab breakfast my way out the door and give my mother a quick peck on the cheek. I was anxious for lunch time, I plan to watch the nerd herd that sits out side at lunch to see if I could get an idea of who the notebook belongs too.

**BPOV**

Oh god it's not in my locker. This is ridiculous I don't lose things especially not something I put all my dirty little fantasies in! One of my douche friends must have taken it and I was going to find out who.

I angrily stalked to first period and take my seat with a huff. I looked to my left and noticed Jasper Hale sitting there with a green notebook lying on the desk in front of him. I eyed it carefully, all notebooks looked the, green cover spirally thingy down the side, it was college ruled. As I was hatching an elaborate plan to sneak it off his desk, when the girl next to him asked to borrow a piece of paper and Jasper flipped the notebook open to the first page and tore out a blank sheet and handed it to her. Not mine. Good. Not mine. Fuck. That means my dirty thoughts are still lost. I nervously tap my pencil and wait for class to end. The whole morning is like pass like this. I suspiciously eye my classmates looking for my notebook, by lunch time I am all worked up into a flurry of pissed off as I stomp off to the cafeteria.

"What's the matter bitchella?" Alice snickers. I narrow my eyes at her and consider her words. "What?" her face becomes serious.

"I can't find my notebook, you don't have it do you?" I ask pointedly.

"Your green notebook?" I nod "I haven't seen it. What's in there anyways?" she asks

"GAH! Nothing! Gez-a-lou people are so noisy, I just need to find it ok!" I snap at her.

"Chill chica, I'm sure it will turn up." She smiled I shrug and follow her to the table we always sit at with Jasper, Jake, Embry and Quil.

They talk about nothing much as I scowl at my sandwich. I get the creepy crawlies like I can feel all eyes on me. Since I lost my notebook I feel completely exposed. I turn to look over my shoulder and everything looks normal enough until I lock eyes with an unfamiliar outside luncher. Edward Cullen is leaning against the wall of the cafeteria just outside of the door with a sandwich in his hand watching our table with a puzzled look on his face. Weirdo. Just as I was about to flip him off or something equally charming given my evil mood the bell rang and he disappeared inside.

**EPOV**

I stride into the cafeteria and wait in line with a couple of guys from the team and try to keep my eyes and ears open in hopes to learn who the notebook vixen is. I pay for my lunch and follow my friends to our usual table when I detour and head for the door to the outside seating area. "Bro, where ya going?" Emmett bellows "I need some air." I shout back as I slip outside. Shit, I didn't really think this through, when I get outside all the tables are full and I don't know these kids and feel to awkward to just sit with them. I decide to just lean against the wall and eat during my stakeout.

My eyes immediately find the table where I found the notebook and I gag a little as I see four dudes sitting there. I could have sworn this would have been written by a chick, a smoking hot piece of ass is what I pictured and that table was clearly a sausage-fest.

I felt a little sick and was about to head back inside to wash my brain out when two girls approached the table. I know the pixie from my algebra class immediately. She was cute with spikey black hair and a rock'n little body. I took in her friend she was slim with a nice little curve to her ass and long brown hair but I couldn't see her face. When she turned to survey the crowd I stopped breathing Bella Swan was glaring daggers at me.

The bell rang and I get the fuck out of there and head straight for biology. I pulled at my hair as I waited for others to enter then class room. One of those two girls had to have written the notebook but how do I find out who?


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Please keep the reviews coming- **

**BPOV**

I take my seat in biology and roughly slam my book on the table and Cullen jumps about a foot in the air. Huh? He has never reacted to my thunderous entrances before and what was he doing outside today?

Mr. Banner walks in and begins the lecture before I can be fully annoyed with Edwards's behavior and I focus my attention on Mr. Banner in those ridiculous snug khakis. I run my fingers over the fresh note book in front of me.

Usually in bio I given into my naughty daydreams and scribbles down ideas in my notebook but today I cant even assemble a smutty kiss in my thoughts. I am too distracted by my missing notebook… Stop looking at me fucker! I seethe internally as Edward glances my way for the umpteenth time this period. Seriously dude, do I have a goober? cause your really pissing me off. Well two can play your game, I stare at the side of Edward's head willing him to look at me and wishing for a lice infestation to manifest in his hair simultaneously. He sneaks another peak at me and his eyes go wide in shock when he sees me glaring back. His head drops and he runs both hands through his hair. Bazaro Edward, something is up with him he is usually so cocky and full of himself and I've never seen him stealing glances before.

The bell rings and I make my way across campus and meet up with Alice for spanish.

"Hola el Diablo." She grins at me and I feel my pissy mood dissolve a little. She scrunches up her face and pokes her tongue out at me. I love Alice always trying to make me feel better.

"I'm sorry I've been shitty today Ali, it's just I lost my notebook and I can't get my thoughts together and I'm all Matlock suspicious of everyone even my friends and I swear to god I almost went all Chuck Norris on Cullen in Bio." I shrug and smile at her expression.

"Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, too bad he's never cried ever." I chuckle at her.

"Chuck Norris has counted to infinity twice." I laugh.

"When Chuck Norris jumps in the pool he doesn't get wet the water gets Chuck Norris." I snort and have to gasp for breath to stop laughing and Alice is holding her sides as we make our way to our seats. God I love Alice.

By the end of spanish I am in a much better mood as I make my way to the gym for the last class of the day. "Coach Clapp I have cramps" I holler across the gymnasium clutching my stomach.

EPOV

Oh shit she is scary. It definitely isn't her notebook I decide when she gives me a death stare and is quite possible involving the use of the Jedi force.

I can't even pay attention in English because I'm too busy planning my conversation with Alice in my last class. I'll just walk up to her and ask. But ask her what? 'Hey do you write the soft porn I found in this notebook and if so will you marry me?' Ah no.

I make it my last class and slide into the seat next to Alice Brandon and turn and bust out my signature panty dropping smile. She smiles back and then rolls her eyes at me and giggles.

"Hey Alice." I whispered

"Hey." She answers

"So um, Alice do you have any hobbies?" I try to sound casual.

"Like what?" she cocks one eyebrow.

"Ahh, I dunno, shopping, dancing, writing about sex in a notebook I found ." I blurt. Her eyes go wide and her mouth drops open and we just stare at each other.

"You are so dead." She whispers and turns away from me.

"What? Why? I like it." I stammer but she continues to look forward.

When the bell rings I grab her wrist and turn her towards me. "What's the problem, I like it." She smiles and pats my cheek. "It's not my notebook and you are still so dead when she finds out you have it." She turns a glides down the hallway. What does she mean it not hers? But that means it's…. Oh fuck I'm dead.

On the drive home I tried to figure out what I'm going to do. I don't know much about Bella except she is a ball buster that speaks her mind, her dirty naughty beautiful little mind. Beautiful? Yeah I could definitely say Bella was beautiful a natural no fuss kind of girl with a cute figure and a slutty mind. Ok I have to stop thinking like this or I may drive off the road adjusting my stiffy.

I have never seen her at any of the games or after parties. I honestly don't think I have ever even uttered a full paragraph in front of her. I head up stairs to my room and grab the bottle of lotion and throw myself onto my bed clutching Bella's notebook and flip to store number four. I smile there is no better way to get to know her than reading her thoughts.

'_I walk into the classroom at this end of the day with a sigh, I hate detention duty watching these brats when I could be hitting up a happy hour somewhere, I sit at the desk and survey the room. It is empty accept one girl sitting in the center. She is rubbing a lolli pop over her full lips while concentrating on the papers in front of her. She has long dark hair pulled into pigtails and I can see most of her cleavage as she leans into the desk. I watch that lollipop pass back and forth over her bottom lip, she occasionally darts her tongue out to lick it slowly and it's driving me insane. I readjust my painful hard on and clear my throat, She glances up at me with big brown eyes. "No candy in my class room." I spit at her. She blushes and stands and walks to the trash and throws the lollipop away. She is wearing a short plaid skirt that falls mid thigh on her shapely legs, She catches me staring and the corner of her mouth pulls up in a smirk. "Sorry, are you going to punish me now?" my breathing hitches and I blink a few times. "Of course not." I manage and she smiles and purrs "What if I beg you too?" I am out of my chair and instantly at the side of her desk before I can stop myself. "What can I do to make up for my naughty behavior?" she asks with a little pout. I can smell the candy on her breath she smells of strawberries. My mouth waters and I can't help myself. "Get on your knees." As I utter the words and she licks her lips and glances down at my dick which is clear straining against the fabric. I quickly unfasten my pants and she pulls my pants and boxers down as she sinks to her knees. She hums her desire before running her tongue up the length of my shaft causing me to shudder. She smirks up at me again before impaling her mouth on my rock hard cock. I grab the back of her head and guide her movements and almost lose it when her hand snakes under her skirt and I can see that she is fondling herself while sucking me off. It's more than I can take so I tug on her shoulders and she pulls off my dick with a loud wet smacking sound and stands up with my urging her to do so. I turn her around and pull her back into my chest before I push her forward and bend her over the desk and slam my throbbing cock into her hot wet pussy, She continues to stroke herself and I take each of her pony tails in my hands like they are handle bars and pull hard. She moans "Sooo good" in a shake breath and I feel her walls start to quiver as she cums all over me. I thrust into her in hard uneven movements as I approach my release I feel my body lock up and I cum harder than I ever have before. I love detention'_

I lie in my bed panting and stick once again and decide that 'operation get to know Bella Swan in the hopes that she will talk dirty to me' is in full effect.

AN: sorry about the double update- the site was being petulant


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Please review and let me know what you think. I think I love everyone that as reviewed so far!**

**BPOV**

I shut my truck off and start across the parking lot to head to first period and see Alice standing on the side walk bouncing up and down. I groan I really hope she didn't drink one of those five hour energy things again. I can't handle a spastic Alice today.

I had tossed and turned all night and had a night terror when I dreamed that the principle found my notebook and read it. God I was stupid to ever bring it to school but I couldn't help it, I get all my inspiration from eye fucking the student body and most of the faculty at Forks High. I sighed as Mr. Varner walked past me remembering the one I wrote about him and the trampy delinquent in detention.

"Helllloooo" she bellows in her best Julia Child voice. "Don't we look scrumptious today my little Bellikins." She adds. I scrunch up my face and give her my best scowl and she giggles.

"Hey Alice." I manage before she launches herself at me and squeezes me so hard I think my poptarts are going to make a grand reentry.

"So, did you find your notebook?" she asks. I cock an eyebrow at her "What?" she asks innocently.

"Seriously, Alice are you messing with me? If you have it I want it back." I try to keep an even tone.

"I don't have it." She shrugs. Her eyes twinkle with mischief, like she knows something that I don't. I squint my eyes at her trying to figure her out, but when she doesn't add anything after a minute I give up.

"aaaaggghhh, fine I'm going to class see you at lunch." I huff and stalk off.

I was leaning into my locker when an unfamiliar voice spoke behind me. "Hey Bella." He said. I spun around to come face to face with Edward Cullen. He looked nervous as he shifted from foot to foot and pulled at his messy hair.

"Yeah." I stated impatiently putting my hands on my hips.

"Nothing just hey, I thought we could talk?" It sounded more like a question.

"Ok, why don't we start with why I caught you staring at me yesterday at lunch and then again in class and why your at my locker this morning?" I took one step forward and he instinctively took one step back.

"You saw that huh?" he scrambled and took another step back.

"Well?" I demanded. I had never really spoken to Edward before, he was being shy and uncertain and not the confident prick I always thought he would be. The fear in his eyes almost made me feel bad for him, almost.

"Are you stalking me Cullen, is this some kind of weird There's Something About Mary thing, where all these strange guys are going to come up to me randomly and act like idiots, did you zip your junk into your pants and it's cutting off the blood supply to your brain?" I rant. He groaned when I gestured to his man bits. I huffed and turned back to my locker to finish and when I turned to head for class he was no where to be found.

**EPOV**

I need help. I got painfully aroused watching her angry little face put me in my place. She was so adorable in her skinny jeans and a t-shirt with Mr. .Rogers picture and the words "Can you say nifty' printed over her breasts. When she waved her hand toward my 'junk' as she so loving referred to it, even though what she was saying should have register a painful reaction I almost blew my load in my pants right there in the hallway. What the fuck is this girl doing to me?

I dreamt about her all night, I was the vampire from the mysterious man in the car story and she the sexy victim. Well basically she and I headlined in all her dirty little fantasies and I woke up quite a few times molesting myself with images of Bella in my mind.

I can't control myself around her I get all tongue tied and fuckall nervous and she knows it. I could see it in her eyes this morning before she ranted at me.

I have gym third period with most of my friends from the football team. Coach Clap was in a mood and gave us all laps. We all groaned and spent the hour racing around the track and then hit the shower. In the shower I kept reviewing baseball stats and thinking of Nana Cullen to keep my mind off of seeing Bella at lunch in her tight little jeans and her soft pink lips. Nana, Nana's cookies, chocolate chip cookies. Bella's eyes are like melted chocolate. Aaahhhh stop. I grab a towel and head to my locker. Shit.

Emmett is sitting on the bench in front of my locker with the notebook open in front of him and his mouth hanging open. I gasp and he looks up at me his look of shock turns into a wide grin and he wags his eyebrows at me.

"What the fuck is this Fabio?" he grins.

"It's just something that some one gave me." I shrug trying to play it cool.

"Who?" he asks

"I.. Em. I can't tell you." I stammer and he laughs

"You wrote this didn't ya you big queer?" he chuckles. I reach for the notebook but he holds it way from me out of reach.

"Come on asshat, of course I didn't write it, I just don't think she would want me to tell you who wrote it." I struggle against him before I realize I'm almost wrestling Emmett in the boy's locker room in just a towel and we are drawing some attention. I huff and start to get dressed while he flips through the notebook.

"Wow, this is some hot shit. I think this would get Rosie on my dick. I'm gonna borrow it from you so I can read some of it to her tonight." He grins and wags he eyebrows again.

"Seriously you can't do that, if the author finds out she will kill me." I reach for the notebook again. He starts to hand it to me and then fakes left and spins on his heel and disappears out of the locker room into the hallway. Fuck! I grab my shoes and chase after him in my socks.

As I chase after him I yell for him to give it back. Who knew that big ogre was that fast? He makes it to the cafeteria and shoves the notebook into Rose's backpack kisses her and says that's for later baby. I stomp over to the table and am just about to demand he return it when Bella walks in with Alice. I can't let her see it so I glare at both Rose and Emmett and flop down in my chair to put my shoes on. As Bella passes she gives me the cutest stink eye I have ever seen.

Fucking Emmett, I wasn't able to get the notebook back as he and Rose had ducked out of the cafeteria by the time I got back to the table with my lunch, most likely fucking in his Jeep.

I sulk at the table pushing my food around until the bell rings and just about sprint to biology. I have to beat her there so I can use her walking into class as a reason to look at her. Seriously, I might need professional help. I fall back into my chair and train my eyes on the door. She is one of the last to enter and flips me the bird as she walks to her desk. Yes please I silent answer her obvious invitation.

Today we are paired up and I turn to Bella immediately and raise my eyebrows at her. "You wanna get with me?" oh shit. She scowls. "I mean do you want to be my partner, um work with me in class on this assignment?" nice save asshole. She eyes me warily before nodding and I take the seat next to her.

We are labeling the human skull quietly as I pulled the top off to get to work on the inside of the skull I smirk remembering what I saw online when I was studying last night. Yeah I did let go of my dick long enough to get my home work done.

"You know some people think this part right here the crista galli looks like a clit, but the name means crest of the cock in latin." I say as I run my finger over the ridge of the bone and glance at Bella. Her face is bright red and her head snaps back down to her paper. What was that, I thought she would eat that shit up but she got all bashful? It was the most stunning thing I had ever seen.

I grabbed Alice as she was walking into the math lab for last period and drug her behind me away from the door. "Hey cowboy, easy there I don't want people getting the wrong idea." She grinned. I rolled my eyes at her and stop walking and let go of her wrist.

"You have to help me talk to Bella." I plead.

**AN: My anatomy professor in college called the crista galli the skull clit, he was such a perv!\**

_**crista galli**_ (Latin: "crest of the cock") is a median ridge of bone that projects from the cribriform plate of the ethmoid bone


	5. Chapter 5

**EPOV**

"You want me to help you" she pointed at me to emphasize her point. "Talk to Bella?" she snorted. She was double over laughing. AAARRRGGG I pulled my hand through my hair as she tried to collect herself. "I'm sorry." She giggled.

"Have you tried talking to her?" she was still somewhat breathless from laughing. I nodded. "Yeah, but I failed."

"If you tried and failed your not Chuck Norris." She burst into another fit of laughter.

"Huh?" I scowled. This laughing at me was getting ri-damn-diculous.

"You know, 101 Chuck Norris facts" she eyed me critically. "Gez dude you need to lighten up." I sighed and hung my head.

"Are you gonna help me or just make fun of me?" I growled.

"Yeah, ok. So tell me what you've done so far?" she asked. I relayed my two attempts at approaching Bella and waited patiently for her to stop laughing at me again.

"Well as cliterific as the crista galli is, that is no way to talk to Bella. Boy whatever she has in that notebook must be good if it's got ol' Sexward chasing after her." I groaned at the nickname the cheerleaders used for me and nodded.

"Ok bitchtits, I'll help you but you have to do everything I say." She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at me. I nodded and she bounced up and down like a total spazz and skipped, no lie skipped into the classroom. I think I just signed a deal with the tiny devil herself.

**BPOV**

"Get off me Alice that hurts!" I whine. The little pixie managed to pin me to the floor and is currently straddling my chest and plucking my eyebrows by force.

"Shut it Swan, there should be two of them. Next we are going to paint each others toe nails and spill who make out lady parts tingle." She grunts as I try and wiggle out from under her.

"Don't you need to feed your flying monkeys soon?" I whimper.

We have been hanging out in my room for an hour and she had been tormenting me with abusive beauty treatments the whole time. I rubbed my forehead and glare at her.

"Sex kitten red or Garter belt pink?" she holds up my choices. I sign and point to the red one. I hate this stuff but secretly love having sexy painted toes.

"I know you secretly love it when I force you to paint your toes." Alice laughs. How does she do that?

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is." I give her my best blue steel pout.

She pouts back and we giggle.

"So tell me who makes you double click the mouse these days." She asks while swiping the deep red over my big toenail. I can't help the blush that erupts and I look away.

"Come on tell me and I'll give you a cookie!" she begs.

"No deal." I smirk. "Tell me how many bases Jasper has rounded slugger." She grins. I've got her now. I lay back and let Alice paint my toes and prattle on about Jaspers amazing skills in the back of his mother's Nissan and miss the shit out of my notebook. I have replaced it but just haven't been able to put anything worthy in it. Which is multi-level frustrating to be cock-blocked by my own imagination.

**EPOV**

I pull into Emmett driveway after school to retrieve the notebook. Put your game face on Cullen this may get ugly, I may have to get Mrs. McCarty involved. What ever it takes because that notebook is like a drug to me, I had been craving it since he ran off with it.

"Hey Bro, what's up?" He leaned in the doorway.

"Give me back that notebook." I growled.

"Sorry dude, Rose left with it. It didn't fucking work anyway, I didn't even get a tit grab out of it and I read her the one about the three chicks going it in the ice cream shop." He sighed and shrugged.

"Three chicks!" I cried. Fuck me for not reading the whole thing.

"Yeah man, so these three chicks are working in this ice cream shop and one of them drips hot fudge down her chest and the other one comes over and is all like 'let me help you with that' and fucking licks it off of her and then the manager comes out and is all like, 'let me show you the correct way to do that' and" I hold both hands up and cut him off.

"Enough!" I bark. My dick can't handle the conflict of this prick relaying Bella's fantasy. Oh god Bella wants to be with two chicks. I think my dick just whimpered a little. I shake my head to clear my thoughts.

"Where was she going Emmett?" I ask and he shrugs. "Home I guess why?"

I turn and march to my car and race away from Emmett's house. I get to Rose's house and no one is home. I sit in my car and call everyone I know and no one has seen Rose. I am so fucked.

The next morning I showered and gave myself a little pep talk, a little eye of the tiger in the mirror as I fight with my messy hair. I can do this, I can talk to Bella. No girl can resist the charm and sex appeal of Edward Cullen.

I walk down the hall to first period and see Bella at her locker. My palms start to sweat as I approach and my throat is closing a little. Fuck what this girl does to me as I open my mouth to speak the scent of her hits me all strawberries and girl and I groan loudly, no lie like porno groaned over smelling her right in the school hallway. She jumped and spun around and I just stood there staring at her.

"Spit it out ginger." She says expectantly.

"What?" I ask confused the overwhelming shock to all of my senses.

"Can you hear this?" she asks holding her hand in front of her with her middle finger pointing to the ground. "Or do you need me to turn it up?" she asks slowly rotating her hand and stops when she is flipping me off.

"I umm thought maybe we could ummm hang out." Nice. look at her she looks curious. Shit now she looks mad.

"Why would I hang out with you?" she scoffs

"I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal. ." I smirked, nice save now just play it cool but don't take no for an answer. Her eyes light up and she smiles all coy and steps toward me.

"Well maybe I can serve you a cup of liquid drain cleaner tomorrow morning for breakfast and write your suicide note for you." She laughs as she walks away I hear her call back to me 'Lick it up baby. Lick. It. Up."

AN: review me baby!


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: You may have missed chapter 5 due to issues with Fanfic last night- it's up**

**PLEASE REVIEW, I need it I have an awesomeness complex. **

**BPOV**

I smile to myself as I walk to first period and leave Edward Cullen gapping at me. He maybe alright since he total just quoted Ron Burgundy. He is pretty sexy all tongue tied and sputtering, running has hand obsessively through his messy red brown hair, I rush to take my seat in English and pull out my new notebook, after talking with Edward I am full of new inspiration and ready to pop this notebook's cherry. I think I may have just danced a little.

'_Do you know why I pulled you over sir?" I ask as the deep tinted window of his Porsche slid down. The man before me is a greek god with messy bronze hair and green bedroom eyes, I can see his lips moving but can't hear him. "I'm sorry what?" I furrowed my brow. "I said yeah, I wanted to go fast and I didn't see you first." He laughed "Is there anyway you would reconsider giving me a ticket officer sexy?" He smirked. I can feel the heat spread through my body. I am struggling to regain my composure I managed to squeak out. "License and registration please." The sexiest smile spread across his face and he reached for the door to step out of the vehicle. "Umm sir please stay in your car." He ignores me and takes a step toward me. I instinctively take a step back dropping my ticket book on the ground. I reached his arm out and hooked his fingers into the front of my belt and pulled me into his chest. "This is assault sir." I stammered causing him to grin. "Why don't you restrain me with your handcuff officer sexy?" he purred in my ear and then licked my neck from my collar to just behind my ear where he bit down hard. I gasped at the feeling and felt my knees weaken and I brace myself against the hood of his car. He steps in between my legs and continues to like and suck at my neck. I reach my belt with shaky hands and pull my cuffs free and clip one of the bracelets around his wrist causing him to moan, when I bring his arm behind him he immediately allows me to place his other arm behind his back and clip the other wrist into the cuffs. My heart is pounding against my rib cage as I being my hands up and shove against his chest and he takes a step back. "You're gonna see the backseat of my squad car for that little stunt." He licks his lips and his eyes are full of lust. I turn him and guide him back to my patrol car. I hesitate looking around and not seeing anyone else on the two lane road. I grab a handful of his sexy hair and force him into the backseat only to follow him. I climb in and straddle his lap and can feel his rock hard shaft under my soaking wet center and I groan. I lean forward and lick his lips and he moans. "Please officer sexy." I smile and make quick work of unbuttoning his shirt and run my hands over his muscled chest and follow my fingers with my tongue and lick and suck on his nipples and his neck. He groans and pants his eyes are heavy with lust as I unbutton my uniform shirt and drop my gun belt into the floor and shimmy out of my pants and underwear. Naked I continue to rub myself all over him as he pants and writhes underneath me. I reach down and undo his pants and he lifts his hips to allow me to pull his pants and boxer to his knees and I position myself with his throbbing cock at my entrance and slowly slide the head over my wet folds causing him to hiss and buck his hips. I guide his cock back to my entrance and hover above him as I run my fingers over my pussy and circle my clit a few times before bring my hand up to his mouth and letting him lick my fingers. He lets out the hottest moan and throws his head back. "oh, fuck please officer." He begs and I can't stop myself from slamming down on his dick hard. I gasp as he fills me and I stretch around his massive cock. I moan and immediately start rocking my hip against him tangling my hands in his hair and pulling. His breath is hot against my lips as he pants out. "God yeah, harder officer sexy, fuck me harder." I moan his velvet voice causes me to fall over the edge and I cum hard sinking my teeth into his shoulder causing him to cry out and follow me over the edge to his own orgasm and his hip buck up into me wildly.'_

"Hey Bellimia." Alice trills sitting down next to me at the lunch table and I scramble to put my new notebook into my backpack. "Whatch got there?" she asks

"Nothing, just a new notebook since I still can't find the other one." I shrugged at her. She just nods and snatches half of my sandwich.

"Do you know why Edward Cullen is standing over there staring at you?" she asks and I snap my head up and look around and sure enough he is leaning against the wall again looking frustrated and adorable. Adorable? Really Bella? He doesn't even look away when I catch him staring.

"OOOOHHHH, you like him, you wanna hug him, you wanna kiss him." She snickers.

"Trust me Alice a guy like Edward is only good for one thing, get in and get out." I laugh

"Whatever bitch your heart lives in your vagina and you know it, you are not capable of a no strings attached something, something." She says seriously.

"You don't know." I say defensively.

She smiles at me knowingly. "Stupid psychic fairy thinks she knows all about my vag." I mumble as she tries to suck Jasper's face off.

**EPOV**

She looks so good walking away, the soft sway of her hips has me mesmerized. I frown, she's a tough one, like Mister T all gruff with quirky one liners but all sexy and filthy minded. I jump when Alice bounces to a stop in front of me.

"You got it bad huh?" she asks and I nod

"Please tell me what's in that notebook." She begs and I shake my head.

"Can't. The notebook is an _X_-_file_, _wrapped____in____a____cover_-_up_ and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy." I smirk and walk away from her to find Rose and get my notebook back.

"Rose!" I yell across the quad and jog over to her and she stops to wait for me. "I need that notebook back you got from Emmett."

"Who wrote that? It is fantastic!" she gushes. I shake my head at her.

"Can't say who wrote it, I just really need it back." I state.

"Sorry I don't have it." She frowns.

"What the fuck do you mean you don't have it!" I almost yell. "Where. Is. It." I spit in anger.

"I ah, let Jessica borrow it." She fumbles looking nervous. FUCK! Why is this happening to me as I stalk off to find that cum dumpster Jessica Stanley.

When I find Jessica, she claims she was showing it to the other cheerleaders in the locker room and isn't sure who has it. As she turns away from me I catch a glimpse of a green notebook sitting in her backpack on the floor and I finally figure out what I need to do. I reach down and snatch the notebook and bolt for the door.

By lunch time I have seven stolen notebooks and none of them are Bella's notebook. I skip the food line and head outside and lean against the wall and watch Bella as she scribbles furiously in a notebook and I can't take my eyes off her. When she finds out I let the entire freaking school see her fantasies I won't have a chance with her.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: I love all the reviews- and suggestions!

**BPOV**

We were having a test today in biology and I was totally distracted by Edward, I could see him tugging at his hair and hear him sighing. I caught a glimpse of him when he was walking back to his desk and he looked sad. Well actually he looked like someone had kicked his puppy.

He glanced over at me and I tried to give him a small smile but it must have come out all wrong because he now looks sad and confused. I decide since he is practically stalking me that I will ask him what his deal is after class. I finished my test just in time for the bell to ring and turn to see Edward bolt from the class like it was on fire.

I trudge to spanish and see Alice talking with Edward in the corner of the hallway. What the hell is that all about. Maybe that's it, Dickward must have a thing for Alice and was just trying to befriend me to talk to her. That has to be it. It's the only thing that explains why someone like him would speak to someone like me.

"Sorry I'm late snotface I was on a doomed mission to Venus to battle with the 3 headed mega beast but on the way I caught cornflakes disease." Alice teases as she takes her seat next to me.

When I don't laugh she frowns. "Snotface?" she implores. "Not now Alice." I mumble pulling out my spanish homework.

I made it through the rest of the day in the same sullen disposition. I even dressed down for gym not in the mood to try and convince Coach that I had some mystery disorder in ladytown.

I was walking to my truck wondering why it would bother me so much for Cullen to be into Alice, I mean it's not like he had a shot in hell because she was ass over tits for Jasper and all, but it made him look so sad.

Alice slipped her arm around me "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate." She greeted. I laughed and leaned on her as we continued to my truck.

As we crossed the parking lot Lauren Mallory called out to Alice and we paused and turned in unison. I stifled a groan of annoyance. Lauren and I had gotten into it a few times mostly because she was a parasite whose main food source was jizz and I didn't like the fact that she chose the guy I was dating as her meal more than once.

She was clutching something to her chest and directed herself to Alice, ignoring that I was standing arm in arm with Alice.

"Hey Alice, you gotta read this it's fucking amazing, I don't know who wrote it, someone said Edward Cullen started passing it around." She giggled and handed Alice a spiral notebook with a green cover.

NO! Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors please, please, please don't let this be happening.

Alice looked at me with wide eyes holding the notebook like it was napalm as I paced in front of her and fought the urge to grab it and pull a Forest Gump and across the continental United States.

"Is this yours?" she asked and all I could do was nod.

"Can I read it?" she asked.

"AAAAAUUUGHHHH." I grunt in frustration before I hung my head and nod.

"You might as well since everyone else has. Fuck, if my dad finds out I think he'll put me on the sex offender's registry." I moan.

"Come on it can't be that bad." She hugged me to her.

"I think its worse, come on lets go to your house I need chocolate to go with my complete humiliation." I cry.

Two hours and seven fun sized snickers later Alice finally looks up from my notebook all flush in the face. "Bella this is freaking hot!" she states. "For a virgin you are a total slutty pirate hooker with a dirty whorish mouth." She grins. "No wonder Edward kept asking about you."

I can feel the heat flood my cheeks and I can't look up from the hem of my hoodie. She crawls off the bed and wraps her arms around me and squeezes me to her.

"You don't need to be embarrassed honey, no one knows who wrote it and it's honestly fuck hot so don't be ashamed." She hugs me again. "You do know that have to totally get Edward though right."

A loud giggle erupted from my chest. "Fuck yeah we do." I smile.

I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge.

**EPOV**

Seventeen. I took seventeen notebooks today and still didn't find was I was looking for which was my notebook. I needed a new plan of attack before I developed full blown kleptomania.

God I even sound like a freak, my notebook? Why didn't I just leave it on the table? Or give it back to her? Oh that's right because I was to busy reading it and masturbating so much I might have actually lost some of the function in my right hand.

It didn't help that Bella just kept looking at me today with her sad fucking doe eyes all sexy and I noticed she was writing in a new notebook. That's the notebook I should have taken today. Ugh no. See this is exactly why you don't deserve Bella.

I touched based with Alice looking for suggestions all day as my panic and guilty ate away at me for losing the notebook. Alice told me to ask Bella out on a date, so I spent the rest of the day thinking of something to do on a date with Bella because according to Alice and apparently 'How I Met Your Mother' this is the date our children will beg to hear about.


	8. Chapter 8

Revenge is the sweetest

**BPOV**

I'm lying on Alice's bed waiting for her to get out of the bathroom. I don't know how I let her talk me into these schemes and I don't even think I can pull it off. I open my mouth to plead my case again only to be interrupted by the freaky fairy.

"Stop Bella, your totally doing this, you can't back out." She yells through the door.

"But Alice, I don't even know how be be sexy and coy." I plead. "This maybe illegal." I whined gesturing to my outfit.

"It's not illegal, it's just frowned upon. Like masturbating in an airplane." She giggled.

I was about to argue when she threw the bathroom door open and burst into the room singing at the top of her lungs.

"Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee ..Lousy with virginity..Won't go to bed 'til I'm legally wed  
I can't; I'm Sandra Dee" She crows and thrust her tiny hips around. I can't help but laugh at her.

"You look hot Ali!" I shout and fall back on the bed. "I can't do this."

"Come on Bella nut up." She barked

"Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5." I snicker and rollover to see her standing with her hands on her hips.

"This is going to be too hard." I whine rolling over and bury my face in her pillow and shake my head. "That's what she said." We both yelled at the same time and giggled.

"The ball is already rolling sugartits, Rose and all the other ladies are game and you look fucking hot. You can do it!" she presses grabbing my arm and pulling me off the bed.

I stand and try and pull at the hem of my skirt and take a look at both of us in the mirror. Alice slaps me on the ass and hollers "Let's roll bitch." as she struts for the door.

**EPOV**

I got to school early to speak to Bella before classes. I took a seat on a bench near the parking lot to wait. I leaned back on my elbows and kicked my feet out in front of me and eyed the parking lot. I had barely slept last night trying to figure out a way to approach Bella and not attempt to just fucking lick her.

Jasper approached and sat down next to me mirroring my position with the exception that Jasper always looks chill and I couldn't stop pulling at my hair.

"So what are we doing?" he asked.

"Well were just gonna hang out until Alice gets here and hoefully Bella will be with Alice and I can umm ask her out." I mumbled the last part.

"Bella huh?" he chuckled and cocked an eyebrow at me. "Dude you're totally nervous, thee Edward Cullen is nervous over asking out a girl?" he laughed harder.

"What's up with you and your girlfriend always fucking laughing at me prick!" I growled.

"Sorry, what do I do just sit here? What do you want to do when the girls get here?" he said seriously

"I dunno, make up an excuse to leave with Alice and leave Bella with me." I suggested and he rolled his eyes.

"Shit, why don't I leave now and save us some time." he laughed. I snapped my head around to yell at him when I caught sight of Rose.

"What the fuck is she wearing?" I breathed. Jasper's head whipped around and he let out a low whistle. Just then Jessica and Lauren sauntered up to Rose and they were dressed just a like. O fuck today is going to be fucking impossible.

I heard a dainty throat clearing behind me and I spin to see Alice and Bella standing before Jasper and I. My mouth dropped open with a loud popping sound and I feel the wind hit me as Jasper launches himself off the bench and throws Alice over his shoulder and stalks off toward the parking lot with Alice squealing and wriggling.

Bella is standing before me in a tiny white shirt with the buttons straining over her breasts which are pushed together and just about to spill out of the top, a tiny plaid mini skirt, and innocent looking little flat shoes.

"My eyes are up here." She states and I snap my eyes to her face. She has her hair pulled back into pigtails and is holding a red sucker near me mouth which is all pouty and glossy.

She steps up to me and places her warm little hand under my chin and closes my mouth.. "We wouldn't want you to drool on yourself." She purrs and licks the sucker with her soft pink tongue and smirks.

As she leans forward I can see right down her shirt.... I can't think, must touch, must drool on her. "Sweet Lincoln's mullet." I mutter. She giggles and walks away.

I walk in a daze toward first period and it's like walking through a fucking Britney Spears video at least half the student body is dressed like a slutty catholic school girl.

**BPOV**

My heart is slamming into my rib cage as I walk away from Edward. God he looked hot all flustered and panting like a pervert calling a 1-900 number. When Alice is right she's right.

At lunch I noticed half of the cafeteria had a freshly fucked smirk about them everyone but Edward who was pacing and pulling at his sex hair and muttering to himself. Gawd how does he do this to me I should be furious, but as I watch him I feel…. Guilty?

"I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker." I jump at the sound of Alice's voice. I hadn't even known she sat down next to me. "Don't you dare cave." She snips.

"Alice, I want to change the plan a little." I state and she breaks into a wide grin like that cat that ate a whole flock of canaries.

**AN: 1 maybe 2 chapters left – Please review. **


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: PUHLEASE- review me… my ego can't handle the implied rejection of the phantom reader- Good or bad tell me what you think!!**

**EPOV**

"What are you gonna do man?" Jasper asked as I paced in the door way of the cafeteria.

"I don't know are they mad what have they been saying?" I asked nodding at Bella and Alice sitting at the table talking.

"They've been saying like Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Edward's a prick." He smirked.

"That's bad." I grumble. Jasper shrugs and walks off into the building. I am so fucked. She has to know why else is she dressed like a wet dream.

"Hey." The sweetest voice broke me out of my narcotic pacing and the verbal ass kicking I was giving myself. Oh god she was beautiful and that outfit so low and so tight. Want to touch the hiney. Wait shit is she talking to me.

"Ahh, hey?" I said nervously.

"Do you have any skills?" she asks.

"What?" I ask confused. What is with these girls and their weird fucking code talk.

"You know, like nunchuku skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills." She giggled. She looks so sexy when she relaxed and laughing, with her tits bouncing up and down. Ugh focus.

"What?" I asked again completely dazzled out of my flippin mind.

She laughed and ran her fingers along her collarbone and took a step closer. "Do you have any story writing skills?" she breathed.

"I.. aaahhh, shit Bella I'm sorry, I found it and I read it and it was just so. I didn't know whose it was and I was going to give it back, but I just kept reading it and them Emmett got it and… fuck I'm just sorry." I hung my head bracing myself to get punched in the gut or something but nothing happened and I opened my eyes to see the sweetest look on her face.

"So, what are you going to do to make it up to me?" she asked.

"Anything." I whisper.

"Ok, Sexward. I think you owe me a fuck hot story and I want it in my hands before school tomorrow morning." She demanded.

"ugh, I don't know Bella, I don't think I can you know." I stammered. She held up her tiny hand to stop me and closed the gap between us and placed her palm flat on my chest and looked straight into my eyes.

"Please." She whispered just inches from my mouth. I nodded like a fucking bobble head and she giggled and walked back to her lunch table.

Bella Swan just indirectly touched my nipple causing me to agree to write smut. I must be fucking nuts.

I pull out a notebook and began writing as soon as my ass hit the chair in biology but that wasn't working I could see Bella and I was getting so wound up I kept fucking losing it and going for the big O in the third or fourth sentence, this is a story and I have zero stamina.

I kept trying to brainstorm the rest of the day and still wasn't getting any where. I really wanted this to work, I went back to the seen of the crime so to speak and sat at the table where I found the dirty little notebook and tried to focus.

"What's up man, you skipping practice today?" Emmett called.

"Yeah, I ah gotta write something." I yelled back and unfortunately Emmett jogged over.

"What are you writing banana hammock?" he craned his neck to see over my shoulder.

"Don't fucking worry about Nancy." I grumbled and tried to cover up the notebook but he snatched anyway.

"You wanna do Bella doggie style?" He asked

"No, I mean yes, fuck I don't know. She wants a dirty story and it's not like I wrote for us to go outside or anything it's just the style." I explain

"How about something called crouching tiger hidden penis?" He laughed. Just as Rose walked up and grabbed the notebook out of Emmett's hands

"He spelled "coming" wrong. It's "cummi-"... oh, that's gross!" She laughed before I snapped it away from her.

Rose smiled and patted my arm. "Don't worry if things go well you might be showing her your O-face."

"Oh... Oh... Oh! You know what I'm talkin' about. Oh!" Emmett added twisting his face in fake pleasure and guffawed loudly as Rose pulled him away toward the field.

"Thanks for nothing fuckers!" I called after them. I threw the notebook and pen in my book bag and head out to my car. Maybe if I go home and relieve some ahh tension I will be able to focus.

BPOV

"So what do you think he's gonna write?" Alice asks. I shrug

"Don't know I saw him writing all through fourth period and again outside after classes today. Let's hope its better that having a conversation with him. Oh Bella, groans loudly hold still while I pull my own sexy hair." I chuckle only to get hit in the face with popcorn.

"Aaahhh what was that for you fucking tart." I cried and Alice laughs.

"You fucking love him." She states causing me to dramatically roll my eyes. "You ever read those stories you write?" she asks when I don't respond to her lunacy.

"Ahh yeah duh." I scoff.

"Yeah, so you notice that you describe Edward fuck me Cullen in every single of them?" she raises her eyebrows expectantly.

"The fuck you say garden gnome, none of my characters have names ever." I say defensively.

"I didn't say they had names Lame-ella, I said you describe him in every story." She said confidently. She pulled the notebook out from under my bed and flipped it open.

"Story fourteen. The bronze haired pizza boy with the piercing green eyes" she flipped again "Story thirty five. The copper haired football player with the emerald eyes. Should I go on?" She questions.

"Whatever, so I have a type, so spank me. It doesn't mean anything." I deflect.

"Then why is the chick in every story you?" she grins.

"Fucking leprechauns, don't you need to shoot a rainbow out of your ass right about now?" I reply angrily.

She dances over to me and kisses my forehead and I grumble.

I can't get Alice's words out of my head after she leaves. There is no way I love Edward Cullen, there just silly stories they don't mean anything. Tomorrow should be interesting at the very least.

I'm upstairs getting ready for school when the door bell rings. I dash down the stairs and through the door open. Nobody. I stepped out on the porch only to catch the taillights of Edward's Volvo headed down the street and I see a red covered notebook sitting on the porch.

I pick up the notebook and head inside and lie on the couch and flip it open to the first page a note falls out into my chest. I unfold it and sigh, he has nice hand writing.

_Bella,_

_I thought about giving you the finished product and tearing out the first few attempts but decided not too, you didn't get to edit your thoughts before I read them so I will allow you the same courtesy. Please protect my nasty thoughts for I have left them with you, well most of them._

_Love, _

_Edward_

Story 1

_Hey Bella, you look so fucking hot today in that school girl outfit I just want to lick you and suck on your tits and rub your clit and I will pull your hair when I'm coming and you would yell out my name you dirty dirty sex kitten_

Story 2

_Bella I want to fuck you doggie style right here in bio on the lab table._

Story 3

_Crouching Tiger Hidden Penis. Fucking Emmett and is stupid ideas._

Story 4

_" That was an amazing workout, your such a big strong personal trainer Edward." Bella giggled and rubbed my bicep with her tiny hands. "I'm all dirty and sweaty now, I need a shower." She pouts and sticks out her full lower lip. "You can use my shower" I purr "But only if I get to wash your back." I smile at her as she grabs my hand and drags me back to the showers._

Story 5

_She is so sexy lying sprawled out on her stomach on the floor with her knees bent crossing and uncrossing her ankles while she reads a book. I can't stop myself I have to touch her. I slide off the couch and into the floor and slowly run one of my hands up her leg to her thigh. I can just see the bottom of her ass in her dark blue boy cut panties. She shivers at my touch and turns slightly to smile at me over her shoulder. I replace my hand with my tongue and run it bit by bit up her leg to the back of her knee and the up the inside of her thigh all the way to the edge of her panties. _

"_Your tongue is so cold." She whispers and I blow out a breath across the trail I left with my tongue on her hot skin. She lets out a delicate moan and let's her head drop forward losing her hold on her book it tumble to the ground in front of her. I take this as a sign to continue exploring her body. I bring my hands up and lightly smooth them over her ass and up her back and position myself to lie next to her. I can feel the heat rolling off her and press my hips into the side of her leg causing her to moan again._

"_Please touch me." she pleads. I run my hand back down her spine and over her firm round ass and slip my fingers between her legs and run them along the seam of her panties just over her soaking wet center. She cries out a little louder so I increase the speed of my hand. She begins to rock back a little to increase the friction and begs "Please more." I pull my hand away and pull her panties down to her knees and she kicks them the rest of the way off and lays back flat on her stomach with her legs slightly parted. _

_I run my hand back up her thigh and she hums her approval as my fingers over her slick center and enter her with my thumb and let my other fingers slide into place over her clit. I continue to push into her and rub circles on her clit while I kiss and lick all the exposed skin I can reach and grind myself into her leg to create friction for myself, she notices my rhythmic movements and snakes her hand between use and dips it below the waistband of my jeans I hiss in pleasure when she comes in direct contact with the head of my cock and she moans louder causing my dick to twitch in her hand. Her hand is so warm as she runs it up and down the length it feels like she is spreading fire across my body._

_I use my free hand to turn her head toward me and I can't stop myself I know I'm breaking all the rules as I lean forward and crush my mouth to hers. She is panting and bucking her hips and matching her speed on my dick with the speed of my hand in side of her. Her movements become less regular and I can feel her walls tightening around my finger. She feels amazing, so soft and wet and warm on my hand as I stroke her through her release she falls breathless onto the floor and is limp when I remove my hand from her pussy. _

_I move until I am between her legs and force her legs to spread apart with my knees and kick my jeans off. I lower myself down to her and place feather light kisses on her shoulders as I line my throbbing cock with her hot center. I reach up and grab a handful of her hair and pull her head back. "Tell me you want me." I whisper in her ear. She moans "Fuck yes, please." She cries and I thrust into her hard. Her body tenses immediately with her impending release but I can't slow down she feels too fucking good. I moan and thrust deeper and deeper into her as she screams and moans my name. I grip her hips and pull her up slightly onto her knees and push even deeper inside of her and she gasps and arches her back and my name falls from her lips one last time before she is consumed by her orgasm I slam into her one last time and cum hard letting land all over her ass and lower back. We both slump to the floor breathless and completely spent._

Fuck. I'm totally in love.

I scrambled off the couch and threw myself out of the house and into my truck I had to catch Edward before class. I whipped into the parking lot and stopped in the first spot I saw and ran for the front of the building.

He was sitting on the same bench as yesterday with his head in his hands and his elbows resting on his knees when I ran up. His head popped up a little. He looked so nervous.

I couldn't stop myself I jumped into his lap and crushed his lips with mine and forced my tongue into his mouth. He smiled against my lips "So you read it?" he asked.

I nod and pull my lower lip between my teeth.

"and judging from the oral raping I just received, you liked it?" he asked.

"I fucking loved it!" I confirmed.

The End

AN: AAAAWWWWW- please, review

Final chapter is chuckisms because they are HI fucking larious


	10. Chapter 10

Chuck Norris Facts That didn't make it.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 

Chuck Norris doesn?t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. 

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian. 

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. 

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.  
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down. 

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. 

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.  
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. 

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.  
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. 

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. 

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. 

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. 

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. 

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." 

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade. 

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. 

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. 

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. 

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds. 

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother?s womb. 

If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself. 

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. 

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. 

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face. 

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 

There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries. 

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year. 

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn?t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. 

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.  
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue. 

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red. 

Chuck Norris's urine was the main ingredient for balco's designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king. 

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick) 

Chuck Norris? house has no doors, only walls that he walks through. 

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women. 

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it. 

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. 

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized". 

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. 

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.  
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.  
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. 

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill. 

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. 

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium. 

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. 

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part. 

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday." 

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around. 

Chuck Norris doesn?t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. 

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one. 

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600. 

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. 

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.  
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. 

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. 

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris. 

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down! 

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe. 

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth. 

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. 

Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris" 

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. 

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. 

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen. 

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint. 

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned. 

Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk. 

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you. 

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. 

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them 

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. 

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother?s womb. 

Chuck Norris can divide by zero


End file.
